3 years. Almost. Since my last published post. 3 years on...

I am in a position where I had a route. A concrete plan. Timeline for the next 2 years of my life which unfortunately unattainable atm. I've learnt that no matter how good of a planner you are, if He says no, then it would never be. I've come to accept that. These past few weeks have not been easy. I was faced with something that I have not dealt with before: failure. Hard for me to comprehend. Even harder for me to accept. I've spent sleepless nights contemplating my next move. Questioning myself if attempting is worthwhile.

I honestly did not anticipate that after having furthered my studies, this path would lead me to a much more complicated position. I dislike being in this limbo where you are neither a student nor a working adult. Too old to be called a student. Old enough to be earning a decent salary.

If I'm real honest with myself, I do not have my heart in this. I'm just too afraid to say it out loud. Think about it, I've invested too much of my time in something that I'm hardly interested. Not to mention the amount of money being invested... just for me. I can't do that to my parents, can I. I am very fortunate that I have parents that can afford to allow me to spend hundreds and thousands of dollars for me. Reading law does not automatically mean that someone plans to practice it. Ultimately it is one of the career choice. Practicing law requires a grit. Most importantly, passion. I don't even know if I have either of those two.

I keep telling myself this is just a hurdle that I have to get through. However, my heart is not in it. Every time I look through my notes, my books etc, I switch off immediately. I feel that it is more of a chore rather than anything else. I have to constantly remind myself why in the world did I ever take up law. I didn't. It was my 9th choice in my list of courses, stuck with it to see where it will take me, venture further to gain a level and lost my way in the midst of my 3 years in England, I guess.

Side note: I'm pissed that Liverpool just knock Leicester off to win the premier league asia trophy. Sad celebration though.

And let me just say, these past year, I did feel that I have lost my way... spiritually. I honestly felt that it was hard for me to connect with Him and that prayers were just... another... hurdle, you may say. It was just a task, a tedious one that I have to get over and done with. Never felt anything more. Didn't actually take it seriously. My heart was always restless and it felt empty. Absolutely shitty of myself. Selfish. Tiny bit arrogant of what I've accomplished probably. Way in over my head. This.. whatever I faced these past few weeks brought me down to earth, slapped me across my face to deal with the reality and humbled me tremendously. And for the longest time, I was fortunate to spend the whole of Ramadhan without any distractions of school or work. Three years away and it never felt like one. I managed to grasp whatever I can from it and hopeful that it will shape me.

I just have to find my way. First, I have to find myself.

22.7.17